Pages

Saturday, April 23, 2016

PRINCE .... R.I.P.

I cannot tell you how MUCH I LOVED Prince.  My one regret in life is that I never saw him perform live.  He was a true artist in every sense of the word.  A talent, a genius, a master showman.  There are not many artists like Prince left.  Bowie is gone ... it's just so sad when the artists of your youth pass.  

In the early 1980's when I was about 25 I was dating a douche who worked the door of a private club in Beverly Hills.  I saw lots of famous people there.  I met O.J. Simpson there (arrogant prick), saw Rick James, and .... PRINCE.  The whole room was buzzing.  Girls in the bathroom were whispering "OMG Prince is here!"   

I remember what I was wearing.  A long sleeved tight pink top with black polka dots and a short, black skirt (sounds stupid I know, but trust me ... it was very cute) ... My hair was big and wild and the eyeliner was heavy ... just like Prince's.

There he was.  All by himself, leaning against a wall, with a drink in hand wearing all purple.  I locked eyes with him for just a few seconds and then looked away.  I was never very bold in these types of situations, but I've often wondered what would have happened if I'd approached him or, at least given him a smile.  Who knows????  It could have been me instead of Apollonia.  

Now he's gone.  It felt just like when Bowie died. I literally almost cried.  I felt such sadness ... such shock.  But I do cherish the memory of having once been in a room with him.  

I know he was a very spiritual person.  So I would imagine that death is something he did not fear and probably welcomed ... he is onto the next journey ... eternity.  So rest in peace Prince.  And I hope I see you when I get there. 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

THE STORY ABOUT THE TIME I WORKED FOR THE BRIDE OF SATAN ...

An ugly reality about the corporate world that needs to be discussed is women.

Women (aka secretaries and staff) have not come a long way baby in the corporate world.  The gals who have come a long way are the mucky muck partners and other female attorneys and/or high level executives.  Secretarial staff are drones.  Nothing more, nothing less.  They have been known to type up kid’s homework, cancel ballet lessons, wrap Xmas presents, go down to the parking garage and “get that box out of my car”, etc., etc., etc.  And though it pains me to say such things about my own gender, it is the honest truth that most secretaries would rather stick needles in their eyes than work for a female partner. 

Dulcinea Bradley was one such female partner.  Ironically, Dulcinea in Spanish means sweet.  She wasn’t.  She reminded me of the asexual character Pat on Saturday Night Live.  You couldn’t tell if she was a man or a woman.  Dulcinea had short black hair, wore wire rimmed glasses and had a corn-fed Midwestern look.  Her usual style of dress consisted of a pair of khaki pants that were usually chewed up by her butt crack which she wore with a basic white Oxford shirt that she belted and tucked in high at the waist.  She was, as a Southerner would say “a big ol gal.”  Dulcinea was really loud and had a high pitched, cackling laugh that conjured up images of flying monkeys.  In short, she scared the hell out of the staff.  Her long suffering secretary Sandy was a friend of mine and she was treated horribly by this woman.  For a visual, picture Edith Bunker with Archie yelling right in her face all day long. 

Dulcinea inspired fear into everyone at the firm, including partners.  Unfortunately she was a rainmaker which gave her unlimited freedom to behave like a tyrant.  After working for this monster for many years poor Sandy had finally had enough and was transferred to another desk which left Dulcinea without a secretary.  Now some poor floater was going to have to work for her.  That poor floater was me. 

The first week I sat at that desk she sent me an email.  Within the time it took for her to hit send on her computer she had stormed over to my desk and within inches from my face, finger pointing at my keyboard she screamed “OPEN YOUR EMAIL!  OPEN YOUR EMAIL!”  She had gotten her panties in a twist because I had not responded to her email within the 2 seconds it took for it to travel from her computer to mine, hence the hissy fit at my desk.  The entire outburst took place while I was on the phone taking a message (hence, my not immediately reading her email).  When I hung up I looked at her and very calmly said ... “I can hear you.”  This was grounds for a sit down with Human Resources where I was informed that Dulcinea NEVER, EVER WANTED ME TO COVER HER DESK AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE LIVED and into my personnel file went another write up.  After I was banned for life from working for her, the next unfortunate soul was Gabe.  Gabe was an excellent secretary, however this was irrelevant.  Once, when Dulcinea placed several pencils in her “out box” and they were still sitting there two days later she literally had a shit hemorrhage and screamed at Gabe for not sharpening her pencils.  Unfortunately, Gabe had forgotten to read her mind that day otherwise he would have realized that leaving the pencils in the out box meant that she wanted him to sharpen them.  Fact:  if you want your pencils sharpened, perhaps telling your secretary “hey, do you think you can sharpen my pencils?” would suffice.  NO.  This is not how it went down.  Gabe and Dulcinea went to WAR and it was the office talk for weeks.  “How was he supposed to know she wanted him to sharpen her pencils!?” “Would you have sharpened them?”  “Hell no, let her sharpen her own pencils!” and on and on it went with secretaries taking sides and everyone in the firm weighing in.    OK … I just have to stop right here and remind you all that we are talking about one of the largest, most prestigious law firms IN THE WORLD, and this is the kind of shit that was going on all the time.  … Corporate America at its finest.   

I cannot stress to you how awful this woman was.  So in my mind I thought of a brilliant payback fantasy …

I would send her, anonymously of course, a gigantic vibrator with a sweet
note …   

Dearest Dulcinea,

It has been medically proven that use of this apparatus has many health benefits.  It is a proven tension reliever and many believe it can also aide in instilling a calmer demeanor.  With proper usage you should achieve orgasm quite regularly.  This will make you rather tired, but in a good way.  With regular use you will find you have less stress and more friends.  For maximum benefit use once or twice a week, batteries not included. 

Love,
A Concerned Friend

I eventually did get payback … sort of ... and it was better than the vibrator idea.  The legal community in Los Angeles is small.  Everyone knows everyone and the fates being what they are and karma being a bitch and all, Miss Dulcinea left the biggest, most prestigious law firm in the world a few years later and interviewed at the firm I was now working at.  I was working for a corporate finance partner at the time and watched in amazement as Dulcinea was ushered into Arthur’s office.  OMG I thought. ... that's Dulcinea Bradley!  After their meeting I walked into his office …

Me:  “Was that Dulcinea Bradley?” 
Arthur:  “Yes.”
Me:  “I used to work for her.”
Arthur:  “You did?” 
Me:  “Yes.  She’s the biggest bitch I ever met in my life.”
Arthur:  “Yeah.  You can tell.”
Me:  “I wouldn’t hire her.  She’s poison.”


She didn’t get the job.  Next time you might want to think twice about who you’re yelling at lady. 
I don’t profess to have had any power over the decision to hire her or not, but it sure felt good to be able to put my two cents in regarding a horrible woman who made my life hell, even if it was only for two weeks. 
Lesson to be learned:   
 BE NICE DAMMIT!!  
(or you may receive a vibrator in the mail) 


Friday, April 8, 2016

DANNYLAND ...

Danny has this disgusting habit of brushing his teeth and then rinsing his toothbrush and leaving it ALL WET in the toothbrush thing.  (See photo belowA roll of toilet paper he sets on the counter like a cup and then sticks his toothbrush in the middle of it) ... what a genius huh? 

The point?  A disgusting, wet toothbrush will collect bacteria and mosquitoes and it's disgusting and filthy.  It drives me crazy.  Does he stop?  NO.  


What you're supposed to do is brush, rinse with HOT water and then DRY THE BRUSH THOROUGHLY ... THEN put it in the toothbrush thing.  IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

And how hard is it to take the yogurt OUT of the plastic bag?  


  God forbid he break a sweat. 


 Also, he never EVER closes a drawer, a cabinet, or a door ... EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Don't you HATE when your husband makes hamburgers ...




*sigh* ... my life. 

Sunday, March 13, 2016

THE STORY ABOUT THE TIME I WORKED FOR THE BRIDE OF SATAN ...

An ugly reality about the corporate world that needs to be discussed is women.

Women (aka secretaries and staff) have not come a long way baby in the corporate world.  The gals who have come a long way are the mucky muck partners and other female attorneys and/or high level executives.  Secretarial staff are drones.  Nothing more, nothing less.  They have been known to type up kid’s homework, cancel ballet lessons, wrap Xmas presents, go down to the parking garage and “get that box out of my car”, etc., etc., etc.  And though it pains me to say such things about my own gender, it is the honest truth that most secretaries would rather stick needles in their eyes than work for a female partner. 

Dulcinea Bradley was one such female partner.  Ironically, Dulcinea in Spanish means sweet.  She wasn’t.  She reminded me of the asexual character Pat on Saturday Night Live.  You couldn’t tell if she was a man or a woman.  Dulcinea had short black hair, wore wire rimmed glasses and had a corn-fed Midwestern look.  Her usual style of dress consisted of a pair of khaki pants that were usually chewed up by her butt crack which she wore with a basic white Oxford shirt that she belted and tucked in high at the waist.  She was, as a Southerner would say “a big ol gal.”  Dulcinea was really loud and had a high pitched, cackling laugh that conjured up images of flying monkeys.  In short, she scared the hell out of the staff.  Her long suffering secretary Sandy was a friend of mine and she was treated horribly by this woman.  For a visual, picture Edith Bunker with Archie yelling right in her face all day long. 

Dulcinea inspired fear into everyone at the firm, including partners.  Unfortunately she was a rainmaker which gave her unlimited freedom to behave like a tyrant.  After working for this monster for many years poor Sandy had finally had enough and was transferred to another desk which left Dulcinea without a secretary.  Now some poor floater was going to have to work for her.  That poor floater was me. 

The first week I sat at that desk she sent me an email.  Within the time it took for her to hit send on her computer she had stormed over to my desk and within inches from my face, finger pointing at my keyboard she screamed “OPEN YOUR EMAIL!  OPEN YOUR EMAIL!”  She had gotten her panties in a twist because I had not responded to her email within the 2 seconds it took for it to travel from her computer to mine, hence the hissy fit at my desk.  The entire outburst took place while I was on the phone taking a message (hence, my not immediately reading her email).  When I hung up I looked at her and very calmly said ... “I can hear you.”  This was grounds for a sit down with Human Resources where I was informed that Dulcinea NEVER, EVER WANTED ME TO COVER HER DESK AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE LIVED and into my personnel file went another write up.  After I was banned for life from working for her, the next unfortunate soul was Gabe.  Gabe was an excellent secretary, however this was irrelevant.  Once, when Dulcinea placed several pencils in her “out box” and they were still sitting there two days later she literally had a shit hemorrhage and screamed at Gabe for not sharpening her pencils.  Unfortunately, Gabe had forgotten to read her mind that day otherwise he would have realized that leaving the pencils in the out box meant that she wanted him to sharpen them.  Fact:  if you want your pencils sharpened, perhaps telling your secretary “hey, do you think you can sharpen my pencils?” would suffice.  NO.  This is not how it went down.  Gabe and Dulcinea went to WAR and it was the office talk for weeks.  “How was he supposed to know she wanted him to sharpen her pencils!?” “Would you have sharpened them?”  “Hell no, let her sharpen her own pencils!” and on and on it went with secretaries taking sides and everyone in the firm weighing in.    OK … I just have to stop right here and remind you all that we are talking about one of the largest, most prestigious law firms IN THE WORLD, and this is the kind of shit that was going on all the time.  … Corporate America at its finest.   

I cannot stress to you how awful this woman was.  So in my mind I thought of a brilliant payback fantasy …

I would send her, anonymously of course, a gigantic vibrator with a sweet
note …   

Dearest Dulcinea,

It has been medically proven that use of this apparatus has many health benefits.  It is a proven tension reliever and many believe it can also aide in instilling a calmer demeanor.  With proper usage you should achieve orgasm quite regularly.  This will make you rather tired, but in a good way.  With regular use you will find you have less stress and more friends.  For maximum benefit use once or twice a week, batteries not included. 

Love,
A Concerned Friend

I eventually did get payback … sort of ... and it was better than the vibrator idea.  The legal community in Los Angeles is small.  Everyone knows everyone and the fates being what they are and karma being a bitch and all, Miss Dulcinea left the biggest, most prestigious law firm in the world a few years later and interviewed at the firm I was now working at.  I was working for a corporate finance partner at the time and watched in amazement as Dulcinea was ushered into Arthur’s office.  OMG I thought. ... that's Dulcinea Bradley!  After their meeting I walked into his office …

Me:  “Was that Dulcinea Bradley?” 
Arthur:  “Yes.”
Me:  “I used to work for her.”
Arthur:  “You did?” 
Me:  “Yes.  She’s the biggest bitch I ever met in my life.”
Arthur:  “Yeah.  You can tell.”
Me:  “I wouldn’t hire her.  She’s poison.”


She didn’t get the job.  Next time you might want to think twice about who you’re yelling at lady. 
I don’t profess to have had any power over the decision to hire her or not, but it sure felt good to be able to put my two cents in regarding a horrible woman who made my life hell, even if it was only for two weeks. 
Lesson to be learned:   
 BE NICE DAMMIT!!  
(or you may receive a vibrator in the mail) 


Friday, March 11, 2016

OPEN LETTER TO KIM KARDASHIAN ...


So ....


Apparently Kim penned a "powerful essay on nudity and empowerment" on The Huffington Post.


Dear Kim,

Empowerment?  Girl, you are IN LOVE with yourself.  Seriously.  IN.  LOVE.  WITH.  YOURSELF.  This is called narcissism, not empowerment.  And you have infected an entire generation of young women with the same personality disorder.  I cannot go anywhere without watching girls everywhere taking pictures of themselves.  I find it incredibly tiresome, annoying and yes, destructive.  In my day this behavior was called conceit.

You have big tits and a big ass.  Big whup.  Honey, I can walk down the street any day of the week and find young girls more beautiful than you who do not flash their tits in everyone's face.  Young girls who are TRULY empowered.  You know why?  Because they have REAL jobs.  They are educated, smart, possess healthy self-esteem and dignity, and they earn their money with their brains, not their va-jay-jays.


In a few years no one will remember you or care about you.  Right now you are the IT girl.  But you won't always be the IT girl.  Trust me.  There have been countless IT girls before you whom your generation wouldn't know and they were EXTREMELY FAMOUS in their day and the paparazzi hounded them just like they hound you and your ridiculous sisters, and now ... they're all pretty much forgotten.  And guess what else?  THEY GOT OLD.  Yeah.  They did. 

1.  Bo Derek.  The press hounded her constantly.  They followed her and
     her Svengali husband John Derek night and day.  She was the shit back 
     in the 1970's and now ... you never see her.
She was BEAUTIFUL

Bo today.  Older yes, but still a beauty.
 
2.  Farrah Fawcett.  Same thing as Bo.  Farrah was married to a very
     famous T.V. star Lee Majors.  She was then cast in Charlie's Angels
     and fuggedaboutit!  She became SUPER DUPER FAMOUS and the
     press followed her nonstop.  When she divorced Lee Majors to be with
     Ryan O'Neal (also another SUPER FAMOUS actor from the 1970's) the
     press went wild.  They surrounded the L.A. County Courthouse just
     like they did during the O.J. trial, and reported what she wore to
     court every day.  Now ... she's dead.


Farrah Fawcett and first husband Lee Majors
Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O'Neal
And last but not least, the Queen of Sex, Brigitte Bardot.

  This was her then ....

Sex Goddess

And this is her now.


Obviously, she's had no work.  Love it.

 And keep in mind, these ladies, as sexy as they were, NEVER posed totally naked.  Ever.  They bared breasts, but that was it.  No va-jay-jay, no sex tapes, no full on frontal nudity EVER.  Because even then they had some semblance of reserve and class.  Compare Playboy in the 1960's to a porn magazine today and you will see what I am talking about.

YOU, my love, lack this reserve and class. 


So, if you think taking full on naked pictures of YOURSELF and posting them onto social media so the entire world can view your tits and ass is empowerment, I’m here to tell you it isn’t.  It’s narcissism on a level so colossal it defies logic. 

Some day you will get old.  You will.  Your lady parts will dry up and you will no longer be able to make the male population hard.  It's a reality love.  And no amount of Botox or Juverderm or nips or tucks will ever change it.  Then you, too, will fade into obscurity and be nothing more than a footnote in popular culture.  By then who knows?  Maybe North will be having sexual relations with animals on T.V. and calling it "empowerment" just like you. 

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

OSCARS BEST AND WORST ...

Well, for some unknown reason I was unable to get E! Live on the Red Carpet!  I called the cable company, I unplugged the t.v. to reboot it ... NOTHING.  SO, I had to go with Channel 7's coverage which is NOT NEARLY AS IN DEPTH as E!  Needless to say Mama was pissed.   

So, with that in mind ... let's get started!


Alicia Vikander.  Beautiful!  She looks very young and sweet and elegant.  Love the color of this gown .... Grade:  A


Jennifer Lawrence.  BEAUTIFUL!  Love the hair, love the make up, love the the gown.  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!  Grade:  A++ 


Brie Larson.  I'm not really feeling this gown.  The color is beautiful but the belt and the bling and the ruffles and the pleats ... there's a lot going on here.  Grade:  C




Nice guy Dave Grohl and wife.  Class Couple!  Love her dress and earrings ... very pretty. Dave .... it's the ACADEMY AWARDS .... a traditional tux would have worked much better and you would have looked SO HANDSOME.  Wife Grade:  A, Dave's Grade:  C-

 


I have no idea who this lady is but I LOVED her gown!!!  GORGEOUS!!  GLAMOROUS!! WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!  Grade:  A++




YOU AGAIN?  You look like a feather duster.  Grade:  F-



Maria Menunous.  She is so pretty.  Love this gown, love her hair, makeup .... it's a win win.  Grade:  A


Pageant Girl Nancy O'Dell - Grade:  Nancy gets an F for being TOO TOO perfect.
 


Olivia Munn.  Beautiful.  I love this color.  The dress is perfection in its simplicity.  Truly Elegant.  Grade:  A+  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!

 

Olivia Wilde looks like she forgot to put her blouse on under her pinafore.  Don't like it.  Pleats again???  She's so beautiful I don't understand why she chose this gown.  The choker does absolutely does nothing for this look and her hair makes her look like a hausfrau.  Grade:  D-


The only living cadaver, Giuliana Rancic.  As my mouse hovered over her picture I SWEAR an ad came up about binge and purging.  So she's super glam and then she has a fitbit on her wrist?????  And FYI ... If ever she needed an x-ray all an x-ray tech would have to do would be to look at her because EVERY ONE OF HER BONES IS VISIBLE.  I don't mean to hate on her really, but DAYUM she looks like if you accidentally bumped into her she'd break.  Grade:  T ... for TOO FUCKIN' SKINNY


Rooney Mara.  She's becoming known for this very severe, yet feminine, clean look but honestly, I'm growing bored with it.  Must she always wear her hair pulled back so tight?  Yet ... she does look beautiful (except for that little topknot on her head which is giving me a Migraine) Grade:  A
 

Saorise Ronan.  First of all I LOVED the movie Brooklyn. It was the most beautiful love story I've seen in a long time.  I think she is perfection!  Gorgeous color (and I'm usually not a fan of green), her hair, jewlery, make up - Grade A+  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!
 

Sofia Vergara (pick a year or a dress) Grade:  The Same.  Very pretty. 



Cate Blanchett always nails it.  Beautiful aqua gown with feathery embellishments.  Etheral and beautiful.  Grade:  A+  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!


Representing Mr. Bowie???






Julianne Moore always brings it. Gorgeous!!  Grade A!  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!
 

Margo Robbie. This girl is BEAUTIFUL.  I like what she's wearing .... love the bag with the long tassle.  Grade:  B+


Tina Fey looking quite pretty.  Grade:  B
 

Rachel McAdams.  One of my favorite actresses.  Gorgeous in my least favorite color green.  She is perfection although she could have used more lip gloss.  Grade:  A


Kerry Washington black leather and white chiffon ... I guess it's okay although the leather looks like a roman gladiator's breastplate.  Grade:  B+

 


Looks like Amy Pohler forgot to take off her dressing gown.  Grade:  C-

 

Charlize Theron.  FANTASTICALLY TALENTED ACTRESS AND WORLD CLASS BEAUTY.  GRADE:  AAA  WINNER WINNER WINNER!!!!
 


Jared Leto.  SO HANDSOME but that red piping on his tux kind of makes him look like a cartoon.  Grade:  A  (only cause I think he's cute).


Kate Winslet - what kind of fabric was that?  It was weird looking and shiny.

 

Michael Fassbender (OMG I'd jump his bones in a second!) unfortunately, he is Alicia Vikander's boyfriend so he jumps her bones.  Talk about some man candy!  HOT HOT HOT!!!!!  Grade:  AAA+++

 

Pharrell, I love you to death and I know you like to be different but dude ... YOU'RE AT THE OSCARS!  Wear some socks and uncuff those pants.  Grade:  S for STUPID

So that's it folks.  Please remember that I did not have access to my best source this year the "E! Network" and I can tell you right now my cable company will be receiving a nasty letter from me!  

Until next year .... happy trails 

and SMOOCHES!
 
 
 

Monday, February 15, 2016

2016 GRAMMY RED CARPET .... p.s. I know NOBODY ....

Justin and baby brother Jax (because he's young enough to have a BABY brother THAT young).  Justin love, did you just drink some chocolate milk or is that supposed to be a mustache?  

Justin is "cute" in that teen idol kinda way ... you know ... a guy that looks likes a girl. 



Taylor darling, uh ... I think I get where you were trying to go however, the big girl panties peeping through your skirt just ruined it for me. 


So I guess they're friends?  OR am I confusing these two girls with two other BFF's?????
 

Isn't this the little girl who doesn't like to walk and has an assistant to carry her whenever she gets tired?  Honey - you might want to lose those eyelashes.  If you blink too much you may become airborne.  
 

Zendaya, I don't know why but I LOVE this little girl. She is so poised and articulate and she has a real sense of her own style.


Anna Kendrick.  Girlfriend, please consider a lip plumper.  
 

Here she is.  The Human Toothpick Giuliana Rancic.  Notice how she is leaning ... the weight of this dress is just enough to topple her over. 

 EAT SOMETHING!
   
 Demi Lovato looking like a mature vampire.  She also sang Lionel Ritchie's "Hello" and girlfriend KILLED it.
 

I know the dude in the suit is Diplo.  I know this because I checked him out on YouTube.  His music (if you can call it that) made my ears bleed.


Adele.  Talented and beautiful.


... one wrong move and the whole wide world will see her kitty cat.
 

Donna Summer cir. 1977?
 

Grade:  NO.


Really?  It looks like she put her nightgown on backwards. 


 A belly dancing Judy Jetson?
 

Looking very rock n roll.  Perfect for the Grammys.
Who are you?
 

Merlin's assistant?
 

 Jane Seymour?  What the hell are YOU doing here?

 
Lisa Lampenelli ... yes.  You CAN lose too much weight.
 

That's it folks.  The only reason I did this post is because today was a day off for me and I figured what the hell.  

I'm watching the awards because I wanted to see the tributes to Glenn Frey, David Bowie and Maurice White. You know who they are don't you?  THEY WERE MUSICIANS .... WHO WROTE MUSIC AND LYRICS.  They did that back in the olden days when I was a teenager.  The BEST music came out of the 1970's.  PERIOD. BAR NONE.  

So glad I grew up when I did.  Hope you enjoyed my little post.  It will probably be the first and the last Grammy Best and Worst I'll ever do.

Nite Nite.